Almost 10 months...

It has been almost months since I've written here....so much has happened in my life...good and bad...

The good...Emma has a little brother...Liam Caine. Liam is a 1 year old, cream standard poodle. Both Emma and I love him dearly. It amazed me at how he slipped right in to our household and hearts without so much as a bump in the road. Emma was thrilled to have someone to play with 24/7. Liam is in training with Debra...aka the Dog Goddess aka the Pied Piper of Dogs aka Auntie Debra. He will be starting Advanced classes next week and will be taking his CGC test upon graduation. I am so proud of how far my baby boy has come since entering our lives last October.

The bad...I lost my best friend. Streak at the age of 27 was ready to cross the rainbow bridge. I wasn't ready for this, but he was. He lived a long life...a life in which he touched more souls than just mine. He taught my baby sister Jenn and my two nieces Amber and Alex, as well as countless of others, how to ride. He taught self confidence to many little girls and boys. He taught me to be strong...to have courage...and most of all to believe in myself. He was my best friend, my confidant, my therapist, my "go to" when things were rough....he brought peace to my soul when I was troubled...he was always there. Now a chapter in my life has closed. A very long chapter....one in which he was one of the key players.

Letting him go was not an easy decision...but it was one that had to be made. He asked for me to let go numerous times and I, being selfish, would say "no...I'm not ready...I can't live without you to run to". Finally, I listened with my heart...I remembered the promise I had made to him many years before as we watched a friend suffer...a friend who's "mom" would not listen to his pleas for release...a friend who suffered through terrible pain at the end waiting for the vet to show up to humanely help him cross the bridge. It hurt like hell to say goodbye...to load him on the trailer for his final ride...a ride to a resting place under an oak tree that while smaller was like the one in which we spent many hours sitting, relaxing, bonding, enjoying the peace and quiet and one another's company. Standing under that oak telling him how much I loved him, how I was finally brave enough, strong enough to let him go...I showed Streak how I had learned his lesson of unconditional love by releasing him from his pain... I don't remember much of that evening...my final memory that night is of me sitting on the ground with my best friend's head resting in my lap. I was lucky enough to have a vet that was willing to give me all of the time I needed...he didn't try to rush things along...he knew how hard this was and showed compassion. I was also lucky to have MaryJane and Bob by my side...to support me (emotionally and physically) as this took place...as well as the emotional support of Pat and Liz and other friends who, while unable to be by my side, were there for me in spirit. I know Streak is running through the pastures on the other side with Troubles running beside him...taking a break now and then to rest in the shade of an old oak along with Pooh Bear...this picture gives me the strength I need to go on.

Perhaps the best thing that has happened in the past 10 months is Bob...for years I lived to work and 2 years ago I decided it was time to work to live. I quit my job of 20 years and started a new life. Funny but my old life did not have time for me to have a "personal" life, but this new life does. A few false starts into relationships...many bad dates...and then finally, as I was ready to give up, in walks Bob. Bob is everything I've always said I wanted....well, he isn't a billionaire, but other than that. Bob is a gentleman, kind, compassionate....he is there to enjoy the good times...he spoils me...caters to my many whims...and he gives me strength...he offers support...he brings out the side of me I did not realize existed. Bob encourages me to eat healthy...to work out...but, he also encourages me to have fun...while life needs to be taken seriously, there are times you should act like a kid...do something crazy...something against character... But, most of all, he makes me want to be a better me....

I never realized a heart could break and at the same time be ready to burst with happiness... The past 10 months have brought many changes...good and bad. I've grown in so many ways...and I have learned that I can survive...that sometimes you have to "cowgirl up"...which simply means to suck it up and get on with life...and in doing so, you will find something wonderful awaits for you around the next bend....

My Wild Boys

Since carpal tunnel surgery I have not been able to work with the boys any and it is beginning to show. I feed them twice a day, give then treats and look over them to make sure they are ok, but they are not being groomed or worked. Did not realize that a few weeks of this would be such an issue, but they are beginning to act like wild children....not listening, getting into my personal space, being pushy....just acting like spoiled brats. I thought that as soon as my hand was better, I'd work Nolan for a few days and then climb up on his back....now I'm thinking it might take a little longer than that. They all need a refresher course on manners....which will begin the first of next week (doctor's appointment Friday where I hopefully will get the OK to start using my hand full time).

Add to the "wild child" attitude the fact that Nolan has gone through yet another growth spurt and is no longer "roley poley" is just more frustration. I've increased the fat in his feed (not the protein) and the weight is slowly going on. Why is it that when I get him to the "perfect" weight he shoots up again? I'm beginning to think his name should be Clifford.

Despite the frustrations of my unruly boys and Nolan's never ending growth spurts, I dearly love my boys. Watching the play and interact with one another brings peace to me. I can't wait for the day when I can ride Nolan out on the trails. They are truly blessings in my life.

Em

Since I'm typing with one hand, this will be a short post.

I had carpal tunnel surgery on Friday...of course it was out patient. Em had spent Thursday night at daycare due to I did not know how long of a day Friday would be and I did not want to leave her in her crate all day. Well I was out by lunch and stopped to pick Emma up on the way home. MawMaw (mother), CC and Kayla (nieces) were with me to help out Friday afternoon. CC and Kayla played with Em all afternoon, then CC dished up the boys feed and we went to the barn where she helped to feed and water the boys then we all went out to eat. After getting home, I was worn out and ready for bed so everyone left. I climbed into bed (with an ice pack and a few darvocets) and got comfy. After I was settled, Em gingerly climbed into bed and laid with her head on my stomach. For the first time, she was carefull about how much space she took up and did her best not to disturb me. She was there to comfort me and watch over me. On Saturday, she neverleft my side and was the model of a gentle dog. It amazes me how she knew I was hurting and was ohhh so careful not to bump my hand or cause me any pain.

Emma and the rabbit

Over all, Emma is a great dog, but I swear sometimes she is out to send my over the edge. This morning, like every other morning, I have her leash draped over my arm as I juggle my keys, water, her bag of toys, my cell phone and try to lock the door, get down the steps and into the truck. Unlike most mornings though, Emma spotted a rabbit. I’ve been watching this rabbit for a few weeks and he has been getting bolder and bolder. At first, he nibbled grass along the drive, then along the edge of the woods by the house, and last night he was nibbling right next to the porch. This is exactly where he was this morning too. Only problem is that Ms Em caught site of him (which she normally does, but she is usually in the truck and just gets to bark) and knew that Mom was not in control. So, off she went after this poor little bunny. Emma gave chase and the rabbit ran and zig zagged back and forth in circles around the yard, never darting into the woods or under the porch or truck. It took me a minute to put everything down and grab a treat to get Emma’s attention. Luckily when I squeaked her toy and held up a cookie, she came bounding back to me. As soon as Emma got on the porch, I grabbed her leash and looked for the rabbit. It was sitting at the edge of the woods, breathing hard, and had a “what the heck happened” look on his face. I’m sure he will think twice about nibbling around the porch again.
Emma was quite pleased with herself for chasing off the “monster” and seemed to really enjoy the thrill of the chase. I am very thankful that she did not catch the rabbit. When we got to daycare she had an extra “spring” to her prance and the staff immediately asked what Emma had done to be so proud of herself. They all know her so well. LOL
Needless to say, Emma will be on a tighter leash for a while as we come and go. But it is nice to know that Emma is there to protect me from the “monster” rather real or imagined.

Harmony

I have been wanting a painting of Streak for as long as I can remember, but having one done was always out of my reach. Then along came Nolan and I wanted one of both of them. Throw Paddy in the mix and I just had to have one, but it was still out of my grasp. Then this past winter, I really started looking at the paintings by Karen McLain. I had seen her work before and loved it, but there was no way I could afford to have someone of her caliber paint my boys. Or so I thought. The more I looked at her paintings, the more they spoke to me. Two months ago it hit me that Streak was turning 26 and I knew if I did not do a painting now that I might never have a chance again.

So, I emailed Karen to inquire on what a commissioned painting of my boys would run. I was surprised at how reasonable she was. The size painting I truly wanted was still out of my price range for now, but I knew that I would be happy with a 16 x 20. So I took the plunge and asked her to paint my boys. Karen wanted not only pictures, but an insight to each one's personality and my relationship with them. With all of the pictures of Nolan and Paddy this was not a problem. Unfortunately I did not take many pictures of Streak when he was younger and many of the ones I had taken had been destroyed. Still, I had quite a few of him over the past couple of years. I shared with her stories about each of the boys, how they came into my life, how they interact with one another, their personalities, and how I feel about each one of them.

Then the wait started. I told Karen to paint whatever she wanted to paint. She is the artist after all and I was just someone hungry for a painting of my wonderful boys. Almost 2 weeks ago I received an email telling me that my painting was complete. All I knew was that she had titled it "Harmony". No other insight into what I was about to receive. A week of letting it dry and then finally last week it was sent UPS. I never realized how sloooowwww UPS was. I tracked the package daily (truthfully several times each day) and then finally last night a UPS truck appeared.

I could not get my package in the house quick enough to open. My hands trembled with anticipation as I tried to figure out the safest way to open the box and then unwrap the painting. I was surprised to find two paintings in the box. First I unwrapped the smaller of the two and found a beautiful painting of my boys....I was amazed at how perfectly she had captured them. I noticed a letter in the box and opened it to read before unwrapping the bigger painting. It was a letter from Karen explaining how she included the "study" she had done of my boys and then explained "Harmony" to me. The reason why she had placed each of the boys where she had in the painting and why she had titled it "Harmony". Her reasons were perfect....she had interpreted my relationship with each of my boys and their relationship with each other to a "T". I was sniffling by the time I finished her letter and could not unwrap "Harmony" fast enough.

The first glimpse of my boys and the tears started falling. Somehow through the pictures and stories that I had sent to her, Karen had captured the very spirit of each one of my boys. They shine through the painting and there is no denying that she painted the three horses that mean the most to me, that bring a peace into my life, that brings a harmony to my existence. To say that the painting is breath taking is an understatement. She was able to get their colors down so exact, the shading, even Streak's fuzzy forelock; she was able to capture their very essence. You can tell that she painted with her heart. My painting just jumps off the canvas and has a depth that I never expected.

The more I study "Harmony", the more amazed I am at Karen's talent, her gift. Letting her paint what she felt verses telling her what I wanted was one of the smartest things I have ever done. I am grateful to Karen for taking the time to interpret my boys onto canvas. The work of art I have is something I will treasure for always.

You can see more of Karen's work at http://www.karenmclainstudio.com/ (FYI, pictures do not even begin to convey the depth and emotions that her works truly invoke).

Happy Father's Day!

I know this blog is suppose to be about Emma and my boys, but it is my blog so I'll write about other things from time to time.

This morning I want to tell my Father, Happy Father's Day! I know that I have not always told you that I love you and there have been times when you have felt that I did not love you or was ashamed of you, for this I am very sorry. While things happened in the past that caused me to distance myself from you, mother and even from my siblings a bit, it was because I needed time to heal from the past scars, to find myself and to become the person I am today. There has never been a time in my life that I did not love you, only a times when I did not know how to express myself or was not self assured enough to say the words. I am not ashamed of you. You might embarrass me on occasion (this IS part of a parent's job description), but hey I'm tough enough to survive.

I regret now not spending more time with you. I vow to try and make up for this - to spend more quality time with you. I know we are two very different people, yet we have many similarities (some I'm proud of, some I say "Oh my god! I AM just like my father!).

If it were not for you introducing me to Ryan, I would probably never have realized my dream of owning horses. For this I can never thank you enough. Without my first horse Buddy, I would never have ended up with my boys....without Streak who over time has helped heal my heart and who helped me realized that some of the things that have happened in my life were not my fault, that there are just evil people out there, and that no matter how many times I fall off, that I must get up, dust myself off and get back on. Now I, also, have Nolan and Paddy to help remind me of the lessons Streak has taught. They have taught me the most valuable of all lessons....no matter how rocky the road, how hard life gets, to pause and look around there is always beauty to be found.

Thank you for always loving me no matter what. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always giving a helping hand. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for being my father.

I love you daddy!

Memories

I was just chatting with my baby sister about Streak and how most people do not give animals credit for being as intelligent as they are. Streak has had me worried the past few days....he has been "off", but no fever, has gut sounds, feet are not hot....just "off" and I could not figure out why. That is until last night. I went out to feed and Nolan and Paddy were destroying the round bale (they must paw at it, pull hay onto the ground and then eat). While they were doing this, Streak was standing with his head hung over the neighbor's fence. He had the saddest expression on his face and then it hit me what was wrong. My neighbor "foals out" mares for her clients and keeps the mares and foals until the foals are a few months old. Well, she has been breeding several of the mares back to her stallion and the mares and foals are being shipped back home. Streak, while he is a gelding, has a very protective nature....he loves to "mother" foals and is always happiest when there is a foal around for him to protect. As Jenn puts it "he has a big heart" and it is breaking now that his "babies" are leaving.

Streak has been in my life since I was 19. Through the years we have had the chance to click, to bond like only a few horse / human partnerships have. For so many, horses are horses and are traded for a newer model or for a model that will do whatever they are wanting to do at the time. For me, my boys are my family. I cannot imagine life without them.

Jenn is several years younger than I am. When she was a teen, I tried to be a positive influence on her. I drug her out to the barn more times than she wanted to go. I would, also, play little tricks on her. LOL On more than one occassion, I would give Streak a bath, roach his mane, and cover him in show sheen. Then go pick up Jenn and take her to the barn....and laugh my butt off. I'd encourage her to get up on Streak bareback so that she could work on her "balance". If you know show sheen, then you know it says "do not use in saddle area". Poor Jenn never had a chance. On our way to the barn, she would always want to stop for a Mello Yello (do they still make those?)...one for her and one for Streak. She had him addicted. Well one day she gave Streak his as soon as she walked in the pasture...he took his, turned it up and guzzled it down. Jenn laughed and proceeded to walk towards the barn, only to hear Streak running after her....he might have finished one, but Jenn still had one in her hand and he was determined that he would get that one too. He chased her into the tack room and had her cornered (of course I was no help, I was laughing so hard I was trying not to pee on myself). He would not let her out of the tack room until she relented and gave him her Mello Yello. Poor fella was cut off after that. LOL

Thank you Jenn for bringing up this memory and for being such a wonderful sister. I am truly blessed not only for the boys in my life, but for having you as a sister and having had you share in so many of my memories with Streak.